Step One. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

When I first started my recovery, the last thing I wanted to admit was that I was powerless. It took me some time to truly admit and surrender to this vital step. It took multiple times “testing” myself before I grasped the idea that it wasn’t the third or fourth drink that did me in…. It was the very first one that got me every single time.

Unmanageability? It took me awhile to see just how unmanageable my life truly was.

Step Two. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I grew up in a church. I knew God existed. However, By the time I found my way into the rooms of AA, I believed God had given up on me. I believed that God turned His back on me. So, here I am, newly sober being told that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity. I wanted to believe it. I struggled. How can a God who gave up on me all of a sudden care enough about me to restore me to sanity? Many heart to heart conversations with my sponsor later, I started to at the very least believe that my sponsor had a Higher Power that restored her to sanity and that maybe, just maybe, He might restore me to sanity as well. With that small step, I began my journey to finding a God of my own understanding. This is an ongoing process of growth and learning- to this day.

Step three. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

When I first arrived at this step, I balked. How can you expect me to turn over my will and my life over to the care of a God I barely knew?! Sure He can have my alcoholism. I wanted to be relieved of that. But the rest of my life? Thanks but no thanks. I got the rest….

As one might imagine, this line of thinking didn’t take me very far! With my stubbornness and hard head, it took me some time before I finally realized that I really didn’t have control over anything and that I was so much better off if I just ” Let Go and Let God”. Life goes so much smoother and I find more peace and serenity when I do!

Of course, I’m human and I do tend to forget and attempt to take over, thankfully my God has a sense of humor today! 😂

Step four. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I heard early on in recovery that “if you don’t do your 4th, you’ll drink a 5th.” I’m here to tell you just how true that is! Sure I did my 4th…. but there were things that I swore for a long time that I would take to my grave… It took several years… and many relapses…. before I finally put those things on my 4th…

For me, I couldn’t truly let go of my past, start moving forward and begin the healing process until I shined the light in the darkest corners of my past. I had to be thorough and completely honest.

Step five. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This step was the scariest for me… It was hard enough to write everything down, in black and white… Now I’m expected to share all my secrets with someone else?! I was so scared that I’d be judged and looked down on. That the person I told my story to wouldn’t like me anymore. You know what happened? First off, I chose to tell my story to my sponsor. Not only did she not judge me or look at me any differently; but she related. She shared with me her experience, strength and hope. She helped me to see that I am not alone and I’m not the only one who’s had those experiences. By the time we were done, I was able to at last hold my head up just a little bit higher!

Step six. We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

After meeting with my sponsor and have done my 5th step with her, she had me go home and sit quietly with my Big Book read page on steps 6 and 7. The Big Book asks me to carefully review my first 5 Steps. Have I done them thoroughly? Did I leave anything out? I need to be sure- these steps are the foundation of my program. They need to be sturdy! Once I’m sure I’ve done these first five steps thoroughly, I am now ready to move forward.

Step seven. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Having arrived at this step, I have now come to realize my shortcomings and know that I alone do not have the power to remove them. It is now that I turn to my God and ask that He remove those shortcomings that hinder my usefulness to serve Him.

Step eight. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

After doing my 4th and 5th step, with my sponsor’s help I have realized that not only did I play a part in all the various circumstances throughout my life, but I owed amends to a lot of people. Here is where I start looking at those people and institutions and I write them down in a list. Who am i willing to make an amends to today? Maybe later? Do I have any one that I will “never” make an amends to”. After writing my lists, I talk it over with my sponsor.

Step nine. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Now that my lists have been made, I am ready to make my amends. Before I go out, I talk it over with my sponsor, who am I going to make the amends to? How do I plan on doing it? Are my motives pure? Am I willing to accept that the other person may not be ready to accept my amends? Am I willing to leave the outcome in God’s hands?

Step ten. Continued to take personal inventory and when were wrong promptly admitted it.

This step reminds me to be consistently aware of my actions throughout the day, to hold myself accountable for my actions. If at any point I acknowledge that my actions were not of love, or I was acting selfish in some way, I need to check myself and make amends as needed.

Step eleven. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

This step for me is about getting to know my God. To get closer to Him. Is a reminder that just as with any relationship, my relationship with my God cannot grow without consistent communication. Praying= talking to my God and Meditation= listening to Him. I have to make time daily for Him!

Step twelve. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Big Book tells me that I have to “give it away to keep it”. In order for me to stay sober, it is vital for me to work with another. Working with someone enables me to stay out of self. I have to give back what was so freely given to me if I want to maintain my peace and serenity.